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1:30 p.m. - 2007-01-15
You're Fired!
So, I got fired today! YIPEE! (What?? Why is this woman GLAD she got fired?) WELL... LET ME EXPLAIN...
Have you ever seen the movie "The Devil Wears Prada"? Okay... I work for Meryl Streep... TIMES 2. "She-Boss1" I shall call her... is a "nearing 60-ish" old Harpee who has an ego the size of Manhattan. I mean it was so big that these people needed to build a bigger office just so it could fit through the door. She's one of those materialistic old hags that believe everyone worships her and wants to 'be' her. In reality, everyone in the "Country Club" thinks she's a washed up ego-maniac. There's no other way to explain her besides she IS the epitome of Miranda Priestly in that movie. She has a bumper sticker on her Mercedes that says “I *heart* frivolous lawsuits!” Everyone she’s ever worked with has “done her wrong”. (shaking my head in total disagreement) If previous ‘business partners’ go off on their own and try to have successful careers post-SheBoss1, then they’ve “stolen her clients”. She’s like the seagulls in “Finding Nemo”…. “Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!”
"She-Boss 2".... oh this lady is a piece-o-work. She is an early 40's, semi-attractive woman with 2 kids and a cheating husband whom she turns a blind eye to. She was 2 teen kids who act older than she does. Madonna wrote the song "Material Girl" after this one. If it's not Louis Vuitton, Prada, or some other totally overpriced piece of adornment, she won't wear it. She's a shareholder of the business, but didn't think to have ANY knowledge of what the financials look like. When I heard her voice, it sounded like a wild turkey. The best part is she's a social butterfly with the "Country Club" folk. All of her 'friends' give her a hard time because she's a 40% shareholder of this business, but her name isn't in the marketing anywhere NEAR as predominantly as "She-Boss1". “When are YOU going to get some advertising?” they tease her incessantly. She’s a weak woman. She doesn’t stand up for herself. I can only imagine how cold it is standing in the shadows of the Behemoth “She-Boss1”.
”He-Boss”… this guy is one foot in the coffin. He’s near 80 years old. He needs a hearing aid, but refuses to get one. Which means everything must be repeated 2-3 times at loud volumes. He thinks he wears the pants in the business…. After all he IS the Broker. Yeah… RIGHT!!! He is governed by the Estrogen Regime. What he likes to do is bark orders at anyone who will take them. He loves to take advantage of that self-approved right. It must make his tiny, shriveled little prick tingle…. It’s the only feeling he has left in his crown jewels. That thought, by the way makes me want to vomit. In fact, I have vomited a little bit in my mouth as I type that. “He-Boss” like to do things the “old-school” way. Yep… writing out checks, balancing the account on the check stubs AND in the register, and reconciling with the bank statements. It was almost determined mutiny when I pushed to get Quickbooks implemented. And OH how he HATED me. He used to grumble at me “You’re not doing your job!”. And I used to think to myself, “That’s right, old man. I’m doing your job, and She-Boss1’s job, and She-Boss 2’s job AND my job. You flaccid, scant man. Aren’t you dead yet?” He-Boss like to give me tasks that a fully credited Accountant should be doing… like preparing 1099’s for the other Sales Agents, and filling out applications for Errors & Omissions and Workman’s Comp Insurance. When I told him I had no clue how to do those things, he’d mumble, “Figu id oud!” You deaf prick.
Finally, we have “She-Assistant”. “She-Assistant” oh, sorry… “She-Marketing Director” I think tops my list as the most two-faced, do-anything-to-get-out-on-top person… nay, sorry excuse for a human being in that office. Maybe that’s how she’s clawed her way up from being a coke-sniffing felon. Maybe that’s why she has no remorse or sense of loyalty and respect for fellow employees. They’re all competitors to her. She’ll sit in her chair, shop online, browse the internet, play on this-or-that Space… and proclaim she is over-worked and underpaid. She pretends to be your friend… so you start to divulge personal what-not’s to her. Oh, bad move, Newbie. That’s her ammunition. Nevermind the fact that she’ll sit there and complain about She-Boss 1 and 2 as well as He-Boss. Then her glee cup would over-fillith once they called or came through the door. Did I ever use that as ammunition against her? Fuck no. I never knew I was in a war. She reminded me of the Mayor in “The Nightmare Before Christmas” with the mechanical faces that would rotate to accommodate the situation. And you interrupt the gravity on her planet if you need to ask her a question while she’s ‘working’. She uses her looks to get what she wants, and she’s proud of that. She’s probably about 5’6” or 5’7”, very attractive blond with 34DD fake boobs. Yeah, I don’t think I need to explain anymore about her personality. Just [insert stereotypical fake-boobed blond description here]. How silly and naïve of me to think she wouldn’t throw me under the train at any chance she got! She ‘added’ me to her friends list on mySpace… tried to play that card, ya know. Then when T-day came (that was today), she was volunteering dirt on me so quickly she probably passed out because she forgot to take a breath.
The ‘Company” (who are in financial ruin, by the way) never had me sign a non-disclosure agreement, nor did I sign an employment agreement. Now I’m not saying that I am going divulge the ‘secrets’ of the ‘Company’… there are none! This place is so far under water financially that I’m surprised they’re still in business. It’s only a matter of time before the band of idiots is broken up.
But, hey folks… IT’S ALLLL GOOD! I have 2 interviews tomorrow. So to ALL YOU ‘SHE-BOSSES, HE-BOSSES and SHE-ASSISTANTS , (Yes… you’re an assistant darling…)’ OUT THERE, I GIVE YOU A SUPER FINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 

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