10:41 p.m. - 2006-10-22
The White Noise of Confusion
I've been unusually melancholy lately. I don't really know why. It's just a cloud that's been lingering.... not raining, just drizzling enough to make a fog. There's so many facets of my life that used to be roads. Roads that used to have clear signs pointing to their destinations and the distances to reach them. Right now I feel like I couldn't find my calling, my meaning, my life's true happiness with a GPS. My cousin says it best in his Diaryland blog:
"The sad fact about being an atheist in conjunction with a few of my other philosophical beliefs about life is this: For me, life really has no meaning. Now, this is all fine and dandy as long as I am enjoying myself, and to be frank, I usually do, but when I am not, I really am not. Armed with the knowledge that life has no more meaning than I give to it, if I have in my grasp, or am pursuing that meaning, I am quite well satisfied. However, when that meaning is slipping away from me, well, to be perfectly honest again, it all seems fairly pointless."
This is so FUCKING true. I used to know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I used to know I'd be married someday. I used to know I wanted 3 children.. a boy, then a girl, then a boy. I used to know that I wanted to live in a cute and quaint house. I used to know that my family would always be there for me. I used to know that there was a God and he had his plan for me. Now, it feels like I am living in someone else's skin... living their life. All I know is that it's not the life I have ever envisioned for myself.
My work is my life. It's not what I ever envisioned myself doing, but I seem to enjoy it nonetheless. I don't really get to travel like I've wanted. I've never been to Europe or anywhere like that. (Just Hawaii). Now my job and disinterested boyfriend limit me. I love my boyfriend very, very much. I love my home very much. I love my pets very much. I love my family very much. But like I said, things aren't turning out like the recipe says... even though I have the right ingredients. My loyal and faithful boyfriend doesn't want to get married, nor does he want kids. I found a wonderful home, but I can't afford to buy it... only rent. My kids have been substituted with cats, my family is spread out over the Northern Hemisphere, and my friends are dwindling down to single digits.
I've broadened my knowledge of other religeons and experienced comfort in Atheism. And the judgement of myself is more harsh than the judgement of any higher power. Praying to God to cut me a break had never done any good. Now, I blame myself...I control my own fate, right?
I miss feeling needed... mentally and physically. I miss daydreaming about what kind of mommy I'm going to be. I miss fantasizing about where to have my wedding. I miss thumbing through the Pottery Barn catalog and picking out my 'dream house' decor. I miss watching the football game with my friends after Family Dinner on Sundays. I miss Monday Night Football. I miss the anticipation of the life I envisioned being right around the corner.
I miss myself.
These thoughts are constantly running through my head... like white noise. It's a dark blanket of confusion with pinholes of reality shining through it. I don't give a shit if what I miss sounds trivial to you, or like an episode of Friends... It's what I like. Then there's the insomnia when I'm alone. If my boyfriend isn't in the bed with me, I can't go to sleep without Tylenol PM or Unisom. I have horrible anxiety... the ultimate co-dependent? It's incredibly frustrating. Especially because I have to be to work tomorrow at 8 am. You're right Skip... what's the fucking point of it all???????
Somebody tell me I've just had a seriously bad case of PMS... for the last 5 years...please.
